Speaking From the Heart

This post was originally written for Anise Health. Original blog can be viewed here.

Language is a funny thing. Supposedly, words give us an objective shortcut to symbolize something. The definition of each word is meant to be clear and distinct, the better to help us all communicate. However, miscommunications happen all the time, so what gives?

The truth is that language is both slippery and constantly evolving. Especially when it comes to emotions, the abstract nature of feelings can create even more confusion. Throw in language gaps, like between a monolingual immigrant parent and their American-born child, and it’s a wonder we’re able to relate to each other at all.

As social creatures, humans learn by copying first and foremost. If your caregivers, for whatever reason, didn’t model how to talk about your feelings in any language, then chances are you may lack the words yourself. That’s not even getting to the fact that talking about our emotions can also feel horribly vulnerable! This is a very common experience that I see in my clients, especially those who are first-timers in therapy. If this describes you, know that you are not alone! 

So how can you get better at talking about your feelings? Well first, you have to be able to recognize that you’re feeling something at all. I often encourage my clients to map their emotions to the associated physical sensations. As they become more mindful, their awareness of their body can clue them into their emotional state sooner. Oh my jaw is clenched, I wonder if I’m feeling stressed about something!

There are a lot of tools out there that can help with finding the words themselves. Using an emotion wheel like the one below can help you expand your vocabulary. Start with the general emotion that you’re feeling at the center of the circle, and then work your way outwards to get more nuanced. Over time, as you get more familiar with your own emotions, you’ll become more attuned to the subtleties as well. It’s perfectly normal to feel many different emotions (even opposite ones) at once.

Talking about our feelings as a way to process them is a very American idea. In the therapy world, there is a common saying, “Name it to tame it!” to demonstrate how being able to identify what we’re feeling can help us deal with the emotion itself. Meanwhile, in Mandarin, we might have a thousand and one words to describe the texture of our beloved foods, but saying “I love you” is reserved for the most dramatic moments on TV. 

So if you’re working on being able to express your feelings better, know that there are plenty of valid reasons why it’s tough. And also remember, practice makes progress!

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Anise Health is the first culturally-responsive digital mental health platform offering therapy, coaching, and digital self-service tools that are tailored for the unique needs of communities of color. Anise interventions move away from diagnosis-driven, Eurocentric models and towards incorporating culture and intersectionality into evidence-based treatments, which research shows to be 5x more effective.

Anise is available in California and we are currently accepting Asian-identifying adults (ages 18+) and partners/family members as new clients (more launches coming soon). If you’re ready to see how Anise can support you, fill out the brief Client Intake Form. You’ll be matched to culturally-responsive clinicians within 2 business days, and you will get a free 15 minute trial consultation to ask questions and see if it would be a good fit. Take action today to start taking care of you!

Nonduality & Dialectics

Our brains are truly amazing. They filter and process an unending stream of sensory input, categorizing things and making snap judgments in the indefinite pursuit of keeping us safe. This is a necessary attribute that helps us get through our days without turning into an overstimulated mess.

However, when we get stressed out, our brains double down on this trait in an effort to protect us. What could be scarier than the unknown? When faced with scary things, it is human nature to attempt to regain control in an effort to keep ourselves safe. We try to make sense of and fix things as quickly as possible so we can feel safe again. In caveman days, this ability to think quickly helped us react to danger and get out of harm’s way.

Danger is no longer as simple as a bear jumping out at us, but our brains still try to use the same strategy. Human society has evolved at a rate far faster than our biological evolution, and what used to work for us can instead create more distress. If you recall how your brain reacts to stress, you’ll also know that despite the urgency we feel to take action, we’re not in the best mental state to think clearly and find a real solution. Sometimes, we get stuck in black-or-white/all-or-nothing thinking, which creates immense pressure on ourselves to pick a side.

This is where nonduality comes in. In Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), “dialectics” refers to the idea that two opposing ideas can be true at the same time. Originally a debate term, it forms the basis of DBT in helping people better hold all the complexities and nuances of their inner and outer lives. Often clients come to me beating themselves up for having conflicting feelings about one topic. Then they end up arguing with themselves or trying to force themselves to feel all one way, instead of being able to acknowledge and validate all parts of themselves. Dialectics gives us permission and freedom to accept things as they truly are, which is to say, complicated!

The biggest shift that helps with being more dialectical is moving away from “either/or/but” towards “both/and”. Oftentimes when we use the word “but”, it seems to cancel out the first half of the sentence. “I am excited BUT I feel scared” has a markedly different tone than “I am excited about this change AND I feel scared”.

In conflicts, dialectics can also support communication in being more collaborative and less combative. Both people’s perspectives can be subjectively true and perfectly valid. When we’re in an argument, hearing the other person say “I see what you’re saying BUT here are all the reasons you are wrong” usually doesn’t make us feel much better.

Can you relate to feeling stuck in black-or-white thinking? Can dialectics help you better navigate the murky gray areas in your life? Here are some examples of dialectics that have helped my clients feel more at peace:

• My mom hurt me deeply AND I still want a relationship with her.

• I feel pressured to do more at work AND I can still set boundaries.

• I dread doing this task AND I will get through it anyway.

• I care for this person AND it’s not healthy for them to be a part of my life.

• I’m trying to figure things out AND I’m not quite sure yet.

How can you shift your thinking to be more dialectical? Try incorporating more “both/and” statements in your life, and see how it works for you.

What Happens In Your Brain When You Are Upset

Even if science isn’t your strong suit, I’ve found it helpful for my clients to understand some basic neuroscience as it relates to mental health. It helps us remember that when we get emotional, there’s nothing broken about your brain - it is literally reacting in the way that it was designed to.

Source: https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/conditions-and-diseases/anatomy-of-the-brain

Description: A drawn image of a side-view cross section of the brain, indicating the brain stem in the yellow portion at the bottom of the image, the amygdala in a darker yellow above the brain stem, the pituitary glad to the left of the amygdala, the prefrontal cortex in pink further to the left behind the forehead, the hypothalamus in green near the amygdala, the cerebellum in a lighter purple to the right of the image at the base of the skull, and the hippocampus also in darker yellow next to the amygdala.

The 2 parts of our brain that we’ll be talking about today are the amygdala and the prefrontal cortex. The amygdala is often called our “emotion brain” or our “lizard brain”. All animals have either an amygdala or another similar brain area that helps them learn from and activate emotional responses. Our amygdalas function as a watchtower that is constantly scanning our surroundings for a perceived source of threat. Now, I say “perceived” because unfortunately, our brains often mistake things for threats that are not actually threats.

The prefrontal cortex is also referred to as our “human brain”, “thinking brain”, or your “logical brain”. It involves emotional regulation, impulse control, delayed gratification, long-term planning, and a lot of other things that only humans do extensively on a regular basis. Long-term memory involves your prefrontal cortex, as does language and empathy.

Once a threat has been perceived, your amygdala starts ringing the alarm bells and your physical stress response kicks in. Also known as your “fight-or-flight response”, your sympathetic nervous system turns on and creates a lot of physical changes for the purpose of ensuring your survival. These changes include rapid and more shallow breathing, increased heart rate, and adrenaline & cortisol being released into your body.

When this stress response activates, your prefrontal cortex essentially goes offline. This is why it is so difficult to think clearly when you are feeling very emotional. People often talk about feeling like they can’t get their words out and being unable to control their actions. Often we can say or do things that we regret later. Dr. Siegel calls this “flipping your lid” in his Hand Model of the Brain.

When your stress response kicks in, your brain is doing exactly what it is built to do in order to try to keep you safe. However, if you have anxiety or have experienced trauma, your amygdala is overly sensitive, like a kitchen smoke alarm that goes off every time you try to cook bacon. Long term, it is important to have somatic practices to help our bodies re-learn that it is safe (assuming that is true). It is hard repetitive work to “rewire” our brains and our automatic responses. In the meantime, the best thing we can do when our lids are flipped is to step back and take a break. Set the problem side, take a couple of deep breaths, give yourself time to calm down. Ultimately you’ll be better off with your thinking brain back online instead of trying to force the issue.

Learning a New Language

So you’re tired of feeling unhappy and not knowing why. Maybe you’ve been working through some internal stigma around therapy and as the world has started to talk more openly about mental health, you’re feeling ready to try it out. “Something has got to change,” you might think to yourself.

I get a lot of therapy newcomers in my private practice. Especially for Asian-Americans and children of immigrants, there is a long tradition of aversion to therapy. “That’s only for crazy people,” we’ve been told over and over, or maybe “It’s not that bad”. “Just deal with it” is another common message. Explicitly and implicitly, we’re taught to not talk about feelings at all. 

Many older generations didn’t have the luxury of worrying about mental health. A lot of them were too busy just trying to survive instead. If they could feed their kids, clothe them, and keep a roof over their heads, they were doing a good enough job. The field of psychology and mental health the way we talk about it today is a relatively modern development.

However, when we haven’t had role models to pave the way before us, we can often feel confused and lost about what’s going on inside of us. Many clients feel overwhelmed by their emotions, saying things like “I don’t know why I can’t just stop” and “I don’t know why I reacted that way.”

If you are beginning your self-growth journey, I would like to assure you that our emotions do make sense, but they are just in a different language. There is a whole system that you haven’t learned yet that comes with explanations for how things happen and why. Oftentimes our parents didn’t speak this language either, so we didn’t have anybody to teach us. 

I hope to flesh out this system for my readers so that you can start to better understand yourself and your experience. Without first understanding what is going on, attempts to change may be misguided or unsustainable. The more familiarity and practice you have with this language, the more it will make sense.

As a first step, I’m going to start by defining some therapy jargon you might have come across before. This is how I understand these words, and how I’ll be using them moving forward:

• Modality: The type of therapy that a clinician practices. Acronyms are common, such as Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) and Internal Family Systems (IFS), two of my main influences. Modality can also indicate who they see, like individual therapy instead of seeing families, couples, or groups. 

• Making space: To take undistracted time to focus on your feelings instead of avoiding, denying, or downplaying them. 

• Holding space for: To set aside your own feelings/needs temporarily to help another person make space for their own feelings. Think about people in your life who are good listeners - I’m guessing they don’t insert too many of their own opinions, change the subject to themselves, or try to problem-solve your issues. 

• To be seen: The experience of being deeply understood and accepted.

• Processing: The act of exploring, experiencing, identifying, and understanding your emotions. This can happen internally in your thoughts, through talking, journaling, and also in our bodies. This often happens after you’re able to make space for whatever is going on.

• Doing your work: Working on yourself. “I am working” has connotations around money, so it’s meant more in the sense of “I am working on ______”. Also, we call it work because it IS work! In the same way you might feel fatigued and sore after a physical workout, working on yourself can also cause emotional and mental fatigue. 

• Self-regulation: In the therapy context, this refers to the process by which we calm down. We have tons of regulating processes, such as sweating when we get hot and sleeping when we get tired. When we are stressed out, there are a lot of biological mechanisms that kick in and cause physical changes as well (more on this in a later post). Our minds and bodies are connected, so being able to regulate yourself emotionally means being able to manage your emotions, often through physical techniques. When a person is well regulated, usually they can think clearly, speak calmly, and not get overtaken by their emotions. The opposite is when we are disregulated. 

• Somatic: Having to do with your body and physical experiences. 

• Cognitive: Having to do with your mind and thoughts. 

Phew that was a lot. As you learn, give yourself some grace. You wouldn’t expect to become fluent in Spanish overnight, and the same is true for learning to understand your feelings. Is there another term you’ve been wondering about that I didn’t cover? Leave it in the comments below.