Protecting Your Buttons

This post was originally written for Anise Health. Original blog can be viewed here.

Parent-child relationships are complicated. I heard a saying once, that “Family pushes your buttons the most because they made them.” There is definitely some truth in the saying. Throw in cultural and generational gaps and it seems like conflict is inevitable. 

Despite popular internet attitudes, cutting your parents off isn’t a likely choice. Maybe you’ve gotten advice from past therapists to “just tell them how you feel”. Well, when you’re Asian American you know it doesn’t work that way. While boundaries are touted as a magical solution, they can also seem far out of reach for many of us.

In an ideal American world, everybody would have clarity on their own feelings and needs and would be able to share them directly with others. Communication would be clear and boundaries would be accepted and respected. In this world that values autonomy and individualism, we would have the absolute freedom to live the best life for ourselves. Reality rarely works this way. 

The point of boundaries is not to change other people’s behaviors, but to decide for yourself what you are and are not willing to accept. While it would be great to be able to share your boundaries with the other party, that isn’t a necessary step for everyone. What is crucial is for you to decide where you draw the line in the sand. Then most importantly, you need to decide how you will respond when that line is crossed and enforce the boundary you’ve set for yourself. Following through is often the hardest part. 

So let’s say your parents have a habit of prying into your dating life, a subject that you have no interest in discussing with them. Maybe the first time they bring it up, you just change the subject. But let’s say they persist - now what? How do you want to protect yourself? If you’re lucky, you can tell them you don’t want to talk about it. If that’s not an option that would work well, then maybe you make an excuse and end the phone call. Throwing a tantrum would definitely achieve the goal of changing the subject, but likely you wouldn’t feel as great about yourself after the fact. Moving forward, knowing that this is a boundary they frequently cross, maybe you try to center around safer topics such as planning the next family vacation or sharing about cool restaurants you’ve eaten at lately.

While we can’t change other people’s behavior, we can always choose how to respond. Even if we don’t like our options, it’s important to recognize that they exist. In fact, how you respond is the one thing you are solely in control of and completely accountable for. 

Being accountable for our actions means also accepting the consequences of our actions too. I’m sorry to say, for the conflict-avoidant folks out there, there is no way to be true to yourself without ever coming into conflict with what other people want. 

However, you can recognize that every choice has a cost. You get to decide in any given moment which cost you can pay. Can you handle the discomfort of hanging up the phone? Or in this moment, would you rather bear the burden of gritting your teeth through another lecture? There’s no right answer and only you can decide what’s best for you. It’s ok to not get it right the first time. Our needs change all the time, so think of our boundaries more as permeable and moveable membranes instead of impenetrable castle walls. Learn from how you feel after each decision to guide you towards a better path. 

If you aren’t ready yet to enforce a boundary, then focus instead on what can help you become more ready and resourced. How can you best create optimal conditions for success (while recognizing no plan is foolproof)? Do you need support from others, like a sibling? Do you need more sleep? Do you need less contact with your parents so as to avoid the situation in the first place? Focus on taking small steps towards the right direction, rather than pressuring yourself to make a dramatic change from the get go. 

At the end of the day, boundaries improve relationships too. When we are able to show up and be fully present with someone, with no resentment, anger, or fear, our connection grows stronger. As Prentis Hemphill said, “Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.”

Anise Health is the first culturally-responsive digital mental health platform offering therapy, coaching, and digital self-service tools that are tailored for the unique needs of communities of color. Anise interventions move away from diagnosis-driven, Eurocentric models and towards incorporating culture and intersectionality into evidence-based treatments, which research shows to be 5x more effective.

Anise is available in California and we are currently accepting Asian-identifying adults (ages 18+) and partners/family members as new clients (more launches coming soon). If you’re ready to see how Anise can support you, fill out the brief Client Intake Form. You’ll be matched to culturally-responsive clinicians within 2 business days, and you will get a free 15 minute trial consultation to ask questions and see if it would be a good fit. Take action today to start taking care of you!

Why Are They Like That?

This post was originally written for Anise Health. Original blog can be viewed here.

As we continue on our healing journeys and begin to understand more about ourselves, there is a reckoning that happens. The more we learn about our mental health, the better we are able to trace who we are today to our experiences in the past. Oftentimes, we connect the dots back to our parents’/caregivers' actions. This can initially lead us into painful spaces of anger and grief that are challenging yet necessary to face.


With many clients, there eventually comes a fork in the road. As they begin to see themselves and their relationships in a new light, they need to decide whether or not to maintain these connections. For those of us coming from collectivist cultures, it can be unthinkable to cut off our families. Sometimes there are other reasons for why we need to stay in a relationship, such as physical safety, housing, or other types of financial support. So how do you maintain a relationship with people who have hurt you?


One route that can be helpful is starting to see your family as whole people, rather than just who they are in relation to you. This type of exploration can help us answer the question, “Why are they like that?” While it certainly doesn’t excuse their behavior, it can help us begin to understand. Sometimes, it can even help us take a step back from our own suffering. When we see others as whole people, we begin to see that their actions stem from their own experiences and issues. Their mistreatment of us is not because we are bad, we are not good enough, or we deserve it. In fact, we begin to see that what happened to us when we were young was actually not our fault at all. 


In my experience, there are three common reasons why our immigrant parents were often unable to give us what we needed.

  1. They have suffered their own traumas. 

    These come in many different shapes and forms. Sometimes it is deeply personal, perhaps from their own parents. Other times the trauma may be on a broader scale, such as living in poverty or surviving a war. Their immigration histories are a great place to look for clues - What were they escaping from? Who and what did they leave behind? How did they get to their new homes? We know today that trauma significantly impacts our emotional development, core beliefs, and ways of interacting with others. 

  2. There are significant cultural differences. 

    Mental health as we think of it in the Western world is composed of very new ideas. Older generations often have a much different understanding and experience of emotions. This is just as true in other cultures. In Mandarin, the language literally lacks words for many emotions that we can name in English. Japanese culture tends to view emotions less as things that belong to somebody and more as existing between people. Different cultural values may also mean that it is much less important to be able to identify how one feels, and much more important to understand how something impacts the group as a whole.* 

  3. They never learned how. 

    This can be true when there are traumas and cultural differences, and it can also be true without those things. If our parents did not have good modeling for the type of emotional parenting that we needed, it is much less likely that they would be able to figure it out on their own. Even if they were able to recognize that they were falling short, it is hard to overcome old patterns and try something new.

While many things are not our fault, as we grow up, it becomes our responsibility. It’s a challenging balance to acknowledge the factors that impacted us without falling into the victimhood of blaming. If you aren’t ready, that’s okay. If you never want to go down this path, that’s an equally valid choice too. Grief and anger and hurt deserve their due space. 


However, if you find yourself at this fork in the road, more understanding can lead to more acceptance. Acceptance doesn’t mean we approve of how people treat us. It surely does not mean we need to keep ourselves in a position where we keep getting hurt. Seeing things more clearly helps us come to terms with if and how we can move forward with these people in our lives.



*If you’re curious about how cultures experience emotions differently, check out this podcast or this book.

Anise Health is the first culturally-responsive digital mental health platform offering therapy, coaching, and digital self-service tools that are tailored for the unique needs of communities of color. Anise interventions move away from diagnosis-driven, Eurocentric models and towards incorporating culture and intersectionality into evidence-based treatments, which research shows to be 5x more effective.

Anise is available in California and we are currently accepting Asian-identifying adults (ages 18+) and partners/family members as new clients (more launches coming soon). If you’re ready to see how Anise can support you, fill out the brief Client Intake Form. You’ll be matched to culturally-responsive clinicians within 2 business days, and you will get a free 15 minute trial consultation to ask questions and see if it would be a good fit. Take action today to start taking care of you!

Finding Our Way

This post was originally written for Anise Health. Original blog can be viewed here.

You’ve been working hard on yourself. You’ve been learning a lot, unpacking your habits and reactions to better understand you and your mental health. You know where you get stuck and maybe you’ve started practicing some skills to better manage your emotions. You’re able to see yourself and your relationships much more clearly and you can even understand the external influences that have influenced you.

Where do you go from here?

As discussed in “Caught In Between”, so many of us Asian Americans get stuck between conflicting sets of values. Whether it’s the clash between our family and friends or being Asian and being American, we are getting mixed messages all the time about what is right for us. It’s up to us to sift through what we have inherited and pick out what we want to keep.

As we begin to say goodbye to our inherited burdens, there also comes the opportunity to dream about how we want to fill the space. Knowing what we are working towards can also make it easier to let go. When we haven’t been encouraged to think or care for ourselves, this process can seem daunting. Developing this kind of insight about your inner Self takes practice and time, just as it would take time to get to know a new friend. Here is one way to start.

First, try to think back to what I call “moments of yes!” These are the times in our lives when it feels like everything has clicked into place. We can even feel it in our bodies, when we feel light and free. People often describe these moments as having a lot of internal clarity and groundedness, not discounting the risks but no longer letting fear rule them. Often in these moments we feel confident not about having made the perfect choice, but rather in our ability to handle whatever comes next. Moments of yes can come in big shapes like leaving a relationship and also small quiet forms like watching a sunset. 

Then, try to figure out WHY this was a moment of yes. What were the qualities that made this memory so powerful? What were you doing, who were you with, what values were you acting upon that felt so good for you? Maybe the memory of that sunset was powerful because you felt a sense of Wonder, or you felt Connected to nature. Maybe it was actually more about the fact that you had just completed a challenging hike on your own and you felt proud of your Independence. If you get stuck, it can be helpful to Google a list of values and take a look if any of them resonate with you. Take a look also at what your actions tell you about your values. What do you end up choosing, instead of what you say you want or what you think you should do? What would you choose if you weren’t under pressure?

As you reflect on your moments of yes, some common themes might emerge. If you can, try to distill what you discover down into about five or so values. Narrowing it down is tough! Of course we want it all, but it’s not possible to prioritize everything. Values change throughout the course of our lives so whatever you choose is just for your current chapter. 

I think of my values as my guiding stars. As long as the direction is right, the specific route we take to get there isn’t as important. There are an infinite number of ways to move towards Connection, for example. Some people might find it by volunteering, others by reaching out to friends, and others might choose to feel more connected to nature. From here it takes some experimentation to figure out what works for you. Over time and many baby steps, we build confidence not only in our choices but also our ability to act on our values. 

Finding our own way does not mean rejecting everything we were ever taught. It does mean taking the time to choose what we want to move towards. With thoughtful intention, there is a way to honor valuable parts of our culture while also cultivating a meaningful life for ourselves.

Anise Health is the first culturally-responsive digital mental health platform offering therapy, coaching, and digital self-service tools that are tailored for the unique needs of communities of color. Anise interventions move away from diagnosis-driven, Eurocentric models and towards incorporating culture and intersectionality into evidence-based treatments, which research shows to be 5x more effective.

Anise is available in California and we are currently accepting Asian-identifying adults (ages 18+) and partners/family members as new clients (more launches coming soon). If you’re ready to see how Anise can support you, fill out the brief Client Intake Form. You’ll be matched to culturally-responsive clinicians within 2 business days, and you will get a free 15 minute trial consultation to ask questions and see if it would be a good fit. Take action today to start taking care of you!

Caught In Between

This post was originally written for Anise Health. Original blog can be viewed here.

When you grow up Asian-American, you get a lot of mixed messages. Kids learn to code-switch early as a matter of survival. This comes instinctively and we quickly learn what is okay at home that is not okay at school and so on. 


Whether we know it or not, the communities that we belong to teach us what is important, how to behave, and how the world around us works. Even if your family has already been in the US for generations, the way you were raised is still impacted by your culture of origin, your family’s immigration history, and the historical contexts which shaped your family’s story. 


Code-switching isn’t inherently bad. In fact, it is a necessary skill as we mature and begin participating in a world that is full of diverse places and faces. Learning discernment and becoming adaptable helps us thrive.


However, this bicultural tension can also lead to internal conflicts and confusion. Especially in Asian cultures where the emphasis is on following authority, a lot of us haven’t been encouraged to think critically for ourselves. We aren’t sure how to answer the questions of who we want to be and what kind of life we want to live. It’s easy to get lost in all the messaging and become reliant on others to tell us what to do. The problem is, following every single direction is impossible.


A lot of Asian-Americans feel caught in-between: not American enough to be accepted out in the world and not Asian enough to be accepted at home. You wake up and go to work feeling unseen and dissatisfied, having hit the bamboo ceiling. When you are out and about you stay on guard for microaggressions and, in recent years, physical attacks. When a social interaction feels off, you wonder, “Are they treating me like this because I look different?” Then you go home or try to be with your family. When you speak to your parents, you stumble over your mother tongue which makes communication difficult. On top of that, you’re reminded of their un-American expectations for you, your career, and your life. This kind of life is exhausting.


If you can relate to anything in today’s post, I would like to encourage you to offer yourself some grace and compassion. Know that you’re not alone in the burdens you carry. When you’re caught in-between, it can feel like there isn’t any place where you can relax, be yourself, and have that be enough. It becomes vitally important for us to find places, relationships, and communities to take refuge in. Finding a culturally-responsive therapist is one place to start, but we can also draw strength from friends, being in nature, spiritual communities, or any number of other sources. Everybody deserves to remember that they are enough, just as they are.


Learn more about acculturative stress here.

Anise Health is the first culturally-responsive digital mental health platform offering therapy, coaching, and digital self-service tools that are tailored for the unique needs of communities of color. Anise interventions move away from diagnosis-driven, Eurocentric models and towards incorporating culture and intersectionality into evidence-based treatments, which research shows to be 5x more effective.

Anise is available in California and we are currently accepting Asian-identifying adults (ages 18+) and partners/family members as new clients (more launches coming soon). If you’re ready to see how Anise can support you, fill out the brief Client Intake Form. You’ll be matched to culturally-responsive clinicians within 2 business days, and you will get a free 15 minute trial consultation to ask questions and see if it would be a good fit. Take action today to start taking care of you!

The Carrot or The Stick

This post was originally written for Anise Health. Original blog can be viewed here.

Oftentimes, my work with clients involves working with their inner critic. Let me tell you, some of these internal voices are MEAN.

“You’re SO stupid!”

“Why can’t you get it together?!”

“Nobody else has this problem, there must be something wrong with you.”


Needless to say, when this inner critic pops up my clients don’t feel very good about themselves. Sometimes when we do a little digging, they’re able to recognize that this voice sounds an awful lot like somebody else. Unfortunately, a lot of Asian parenting centers around applying more pressure (the stick) to get your kids to change. 

So many of us have internalized this belief that if we pushed ourselves hard enough we would get the results we want. We start forming core beliefs in early childhood when most of our learning comes from copying what we see modeled for us. Despite how old we are or how far away we live from our parents now, we continue to use the tactics that we inherited to get ourselves to do challenging things.


The truth is that fear, guilt, and shame are not the most effective teaching tools. While they can definitely produce results quickly, they generally focus on what NOT to do instead of what TO do. How many of us have memories of getting yelled at for doing something wrong, while never being told what exactly we were actually supposed to be doing? Now compare that to how many memories we have of being praised when we did something well?


Not only is this criticizing approach unclear, it also comes with a variety of side effects. What fear and shame often teaches us is how to pretend better, lie better, or hide better. We become adept at avoiding punishment while never dealing with the actual problem. Fear and shame over time also lead to long-lasting negative impacts on our self-esteem, our ability to connect to others, and perversely, our ability to change. 


Even when we recognize that we’re being too harsh on ourselves, it’s hard to change because this pattern has WORKED, to a certain degree. Self-criticism has gotten us to where we are now and we’re scared of falling apart if we practice self-compassion instead. If this is you, know that there is a very valid reason why you ended up like this. There’s no need to beat yourself up for beating yourself up!


So that brings us to positive reinforcement (the carrot). To be clear, positive reinforcement doesn’t have to mean a tangible reward. Positive reinforcement can also be self-validation and kind words. Some sort of affirmation that indicates we are moving in the right direction, even if we aren’t all the way there yet.


Growing up in an immigrant community, it’s safe to say I didn’t see a lot of positive reinforcement going around. The idea of congratulating ourselves for a job well done seems very foreign if you’ve never seen it modeled. Maybe we think that encouragement will make us soft. Maybe we worry that it will teach us to rely on external rewards. However, I can assure you that making somebody feel bad about themselves does not lead to resilience and empowerment. Instead, it often leaves us feeling discouraged, helpless, and hopeless.


How can we practice being kinder to ourselves? A couple of places to start:

  • Use a both/and approach instead of all-or-nothing. → “I’m not where I want to be yet AND I’ve already come so far.”

  • Celebrate effective efforts, not fixed traits. When we adopt this mindset, it gives us hope that through our efforts, we can get to where we want to go. If we’ve been used to success because we’re “smart” or “talented”, we can end up with a fixed belief in innate ability, which doesn’t give us much room to grow. 

  • Focus more on the process and less on the outcome. When we focus on outcomes only, anything less than what we want becomes a failure. Highlighting different parts of the process that went well or things you learned along the way provides a more well-rounded perspective. Combined with the both/and approach, we can acknowledge our small wins AND problem-solve why we didn’t get the outcome we wanted. 

  • Think back to your younger self - when you were facing something challenging, what did you wish your parents would have said?

  • What would you say to your best friend if they were facing the same problem?

  • Don’t lie. Positive reinforcement isn’t about shirking responsibility. Don’t tell yourself everything is ok if it’s not.


When it comes down to it, people generally respond better to the carrot rather than the stick. While positive reinforcement might take longer to produce desired results, the changes tend to be more long-lasting and authentic, leading to a greater overall well-being.

Anise Health is the first culturally-responsive digital mental health platform offering therapy, coaching, and digital self-service tools that are tailored for the unique needs of communities of color. Anise interventions move away from diagnosis-driven, Eurocentric models and towards incorporating culture and intersectionality into evidence-based treatments, which research shows to be 5x more effective.

Anise is available in California and we are currently accepting Asian-identifying adults (ages 18+) and partners/family members as new clients (more launches coming soon). If you’re ready to see how Anise can support you, fill out the brief Client Intake Form. You’ll be matched to culturally-responsive clinicians within 2 business days, and you will get a free 15 minute trial consultation to ask questions and see if it would be a good fit. Take action today to start taking care of you!

Speaking From the Heart

This post was originally written for Anise Health. Original blog can be viewed here.

Language is a funny thing. Supposedly, words give us an objective shortcut to symbolize something. The definition of each word is meant to be clear and distinct, the better to help us all communicate. However, miscommunications happen all the time, so what gives?

The truth is that language is both slippery and constantly evolving. Especially when it comes to emotions, the abstract nature of feelings can create even more confusion. Throw in language gaps, like between a monolingual immigrant parent and their American-born child, and it’s a wonder we’re able to relate to each other at all.

As social creatures, humans learn by copying first and foremost. If your caregivers, for whatever reason, didn’t model how to talk about your feelings in any language, then chances are you may lack the words yourself. That’s not even getting to the fact that talking about our emotions can also feel horribly vulnerable! This is a very common experience that I see in my clients, especially those who are first-timers in therapy. If this describes you, know that you are not alone! 

So how can you get better at talking about your feelings? Well first, you have to be able to recognize that you’re feeling something at all. I often encourage my clients to map their emotions to the associated physical sensations. As they become more mindful, their awareness of their body can clue them into their emotional state sooner. Oh my jaw is clenched, I wonder if I’m feeling stressed about something!

There are a lot of tools out there that can help with finding the words themselves. Using an emotion wheel like the one below can help you expand your vocabulary. Start with the general emotion that you’re feeling at the center of the circle, and then work your way outwards to get more nuanced. Over time, as you get more familiar with your own emotions, you’ll become more attuned to the subtleties as well. It’s perfectly normal to feel many different emotions (even opposite ones) at once.

Talking about our feelings as a way to process them is a very American idea. In the therapy world, there is a common saying, “Name it to tame it!” to demonstrate how being able to identify what we’re feeling can help us deal with the emotion itself. Meanwhile, in Mandarin, we might have a thousand and one words to describe the texture of our beloved foods, but saying “I love you” is reserved for the most dramatic moments on TV. 

So if you’re working on being able to express your feelings better, know that there are plenty of valid reasons why it’s tough. And also remember, practice makes progress!

Anise Health is the first culturally-responsive digital mental health platform offering therapy, coaching, and digital self-service tools that are tailored for the unique needs of communities of color. Anise interventions move away from diagnosis-driven, Eurocentric models and towards incorporating culture and intersectionality into evidence-based treatments, which research shows to be 5x more effective.

Anise is available in California and we are currently accepting Asian-identifying adults (ages 18+) and partners/family members as new clients (more launches coming soon). If you’re ready to see how Anise can support you, fill out the brief Client Intake Form. You’ll be matched to culturally-responsive clinicians within 2 business days, and you will get a free 15 minute trial consultation to ask questions and see if it would be a good fit. Take action today to start taking care of you!

Beauty In the Eye of the Beholder

This post was originally written for Anise Health in collaboration with RealSoul. Original blog can be viewed here. This story was also turned into a comic, which can be viewed here.

In early 2020, I spent 6 weeks in Asia. This was my first time there for such a long duration and I had no idea how drastically the world would change in a few months. As I wandered blissfully through Ho Chi Minh City, Bohol, Taipei, I felt something in me relax that I hadn’t realized I was holding so tightly. 

Although I had grown up in a predominantly Asian community, I experienced a nasty culture shock when I moved to Boston for college. Boston was the first place where I was made to feel like an outsider, where “friends” made fun of the smell of my cooking and strangers on the street yelled “Konichiwa”. After graduating, I fled back to California but my new perspective on race endured. As I became a therapist, I started working in primarily black and brown communities where I was simultaneously accepted as another person of color and still held at arm’s length.

In Asia, there was a distinct sense of relief knowing that I wouldn’t be singled out for my black hair or almond-shaped eyes. Even in countries where I didn’t speak the language, I felt a sense of ease that was rare for me in the United States. How grateful I felt to be able to lay down the question that hung over so many of my interactions: “Are they treating me like this because I’m Asian?”

One day at a mall in Singapore, I came across a beautiful dark green jumpsuit that had a collar and sleeves just like a traditional qipao. I reached for it and then felt an internal stutter that stopped me in my tracks. Was it “too Asian”? Did I want to invite this kind of attention? Would I really wear this back in America?

A sequence of memories flashed through my mind: 

trying hard not to be perceived as “fobby”

a constant feeling that I was missing some script at college

a mixture of shame and relief when I ended up with mostly Asian-American friends on campus.

Hypothetical futures also popped up: fielding comments about my outfit from maybe well-meaning but ignorant others, being exoticized by men, feeling out of place at some restaurant. 

How deeply do we internalize racism? So many Asian-American clients come to me in distress at feeling not enough. They talk about getting feedback at work around needing to be more assertive. Men talk about being unwanted when they try to date. Somewhere along the way we become convinced that we are the problem, that if only we looked a certain way or acted differently, we would be accepted. 

We deny parts of ourselves and our heritage in an attempt to “get it right” but the self-blaming doesn’t work either. The mental and emotional fatigue that comes from trying to fit into the dominant culture can be further compounded by the pressure and guilt to live up to our family’s different expectations. 

A lot of my personal healing has happened at the intersection of my identities of being a woman, being a person of color, and being Asian-American. I have had to put in a lot of work around recognizing racist beliefs within me and trying to replace the narratives with something more joyful. At that time in 2020, I had just begun to let go of my fear of being pigeonholed professionally in order to accept that I found it especially meaningful to work with Asian-American clients.

It’s a work in progress. 

It is challenging to find ways to follow my heart and honor my heritage, a process that is modeled all too rarely. 

It is also deeply vulnerable to do so in public, such as by wearing this jumpsuit out and about. 

That day I didn’t even try it on, making some excuse to myself about my budget. 

As I continue to learn and grow, I hope that I can better embrace all of the parts of my identity. While the jumpsuit didn’t come home with me, the memory of it lingers, encouraging me to appreciate the inherent beauty found in all cultures, especially my own.

REALSOUL is an educational resource, aimed to introduce Asian American history through comics/zines and discussion. They work with community artists and historians to weave BIPOC experiences together in classrooms. Learn more about their work at www.realsoul.us.

Anise Health is the first culturally-responsive digital mental health platform offering therapy, coaching, and digital self-service tools that are tailored for the unique needs of communities of color. Anise interventions move away from diagnosis-driven, Eurocentric models and towards incorporating culture and intersectionality into evidence-based treatments, which research shows to be 5x more effective.

Anise is available in California and we are currently accepting Asian-identifying adults (ages 18+) and partners/family members as new clients (more launches coming soon). If you’re ready to see how Anise can support you, fill out the brief Client Intake Form. You’ll be matched to culturally-responsive clinicians within 2 business days, and you will get a free 15 minute trial consultation to ask questions and see if it would be a good fit. Take action today to start taking care of you!

When Coping Goes South

This post was originally written for Anise Health. Original blog can be viewed here.

At Anise, we try to stay away from labels like “good” or “bad”. The truth is that the world is not black-or-white and the more we try to force our life into boxes, the worse we tend to feel. When it comes to how you manage stress, as long as you aren’t actively harming yourself or anybody else, why beat yourself up if something works for you?

With that being said, there is usually a line somewhere when a coping skill stops working or even begins to make things worse. Where that line is drawn is usually determined by some combination of context, frequency, intensity, duration, and impact. Part of growth involves learning to discern when and where certain behaviors are appropriate, and our coping skills are included in that umbrella as well.

So how can you tell when you’re crossing the line? Again, there is no right or wrong answer. What we need also changes day-by-day, and sometimes even moment-to-moment. A glass of wine at the end of a long day isn’t inherently bad, but if you have a family history of alcoholism or if it starts to disturb your sleep, then maybe it’s time to cut down. The idea of working out is often presented as a “better” alternative, but if you’re going so hard that you injure yourself or if you feel immense guilt if you miss a workout, then, again, it might be a good idea to slow down and reexamine your habits. 

This also applies to watching TV. Everybody needs a break sometimes and it sure is nice to be able to escape into a different world. But if you binge watch for so long that you no longer remember what day it is when you get off the couch, then that doesn’t sound very helpful. Similarly, while social media can help us feel connected to people, if it’s causing you to feel bad about your life compared to others and you can’t stop “doomscrolling,” it’s time to put that phone down. 

It can also be helpful to check in on what coping skills you’ve inherited. Especially in Asian American families, we’re often taught to deal with stress by repressing our feelings and working harder. Being able to push through hard times is a valuable skill, but do you ever let yourself fully relax? Or do you find that, even in your free time, you keep spinning your wheels constantly checking your to-do lists and spreadsheets? While being organized helps us function, for many Asian Americans, it can veer into perfectionism territory that comes with a lot of anxiety and self-blame, as well. 

So take some time to reflect - how will you know if/when your coping starts going south? Do you feel it in your body? Does it start to negatively impact other areas of your life? Does it take a toll on your relationships, including your relationship to yourself?? Do you feel regret and shame afterwards? Developing this insight about your yellow flags can help you keep better track of how you are doing and if you need to make any adjustments. After all, taking care of ourselves is a process and the more we learn and practice, the better we get at it. 

Anise Health is the first culturally-responsive digital mental health platform offering therapy, coaching, and digital self-service tools that are tailored for the unique needs of communities of color. Anise interventions move away from diagnosis-driven, Eurocentric models and towards incorporating culture and intersectionality into evidence-based treatments, which research shows to be 5x more effective.

Anise is available in California and we are currently accepting Asian-identifying adults (ages 18+) and partners/family members as new clients (more launches coming soon). If you’re ready to see how Anise can support you, fill out the brief Client Intake Form. You’ll be matched to culturally-responsive clinicians within 2 business days, and you will get a free 15 minute trial consultation to ask questions and see if it would be a good fit. Take action today to start taking care of you!

How Therapy Can Help

This post was originally written for Anise Health. Original blog can be viewed here.

We all have an idea in our heads of what therapy looks like. For many, the concept invokes movie scenes where the patient is laying on a couch while a middle aged White therapist wearing glasses sits behind them taking notes. Depending on where and how we grew up and the messages we received from our community, we develop internal stories about what therapy is and who it’s for. 

The truth is that nowadays, therapy looks really different than how it used to. Especially when you are able to find a culturally-responsive therapist, we begin to understand that we carry all the facets of ourselves wherever we go, whether we want to or not. Just like how each of us is a unique combination of our personality, experiences, and cultures, therapy also needs to be unique to you. 

There’s no right or wrong way to use therapy. Here are some examples of how therapy may look different, based on what you are coming in with:

  1. You’re overwhelmed. There isn’t any one specific thing that’s going horribly wrong, but it also doesn’t feel like anything is going right. You might not even know what you’re really looking for. Your therapist helps you understand your feelings and figure out healthier ways to manage them. Through processing and exploring, you gain more clarity around your needs and values so that you can cultivate a more meaningful life.

  2. Things are going fine. Maybe you’ve gotten mental health support before and you’re pretty well versed in understanding your feelings and behaviors. However, you still find it really helpful to set aside 45 minutes a week to talk to a neutral person. You can really say whatever you are thinking without worrying about burdening your therapist and you appreciate being able to talk through your daily ups and downs. You also appreciate having somebody hold you accountable for the changes you say you want to make. 

  3. Something terrible has happened. Things are falling apart and you need help NOW. Your therapist can help you make sense of what happened and begin your healing process. Together, you figure out what you need to start picking up the pieces and get through this chapter in your life.

  4. You’ve never been to therapy before but you’re starting to feel like you could use some help. Your therapist helps you gain a better understanding of your own mental health, including how your past experiences shape who you are and how you manage stress. You start to develop more ways to describe how you are feeling, especially if this isn’t something you had modeled for you growing up. You start to connect the dots between why you are the way you are and things start to make a lot more sense. You even start to develop some self-compassion for what you’ve been through, while also feeling more empowered to take accountability for your life. 

Did any of these stories resonate with you? While this isn’t a comprehensive list, it does highlight some of the different ways that therapy can be useful. With a culturally-responsive therapist, you can be sure that the intersection of all your different identities will be thoughtfully considered. 

Anise Health is the first culturally-responsive digital mental health platform offering therapy, coaching, and digital self-service tools that are tailored for the unique needs of communities of color. Anise interventions move away from diagnosis-driven, Eurocentric models and towards incorporating culture and intersectionality into evidence-based treatments, which research shows to be 5x more effective.

Anise is available in California and we are currently accepting Asian-identifying adults (ages 18+) and partners/family members as new clients (more launches coming soon). If you’re ready to see how Anise can support you, fill out the brief Client Intake Form. You’ll be matched to culturally-responsive clinicians within 2 business days, and you will get a free 15 minute trial consultation to ask questions and see if it would be a good fit. Take action today to start taking care of you!

Signs That You Could Use Some Support

This post was originally written for Anise Health. Original blog can be viewed here.

It’s been a difficult chapter of the global timeline. The last few years have not only caused new challenges but also highlighted underlying issues that many of us have been dealing with all along. What used to be the norm is increasingly unbearable and people are struggling.

How do you decide when it’s time to seek professional help? For many people, especially from communities of color, professional mental health support  still carries a negative association. “That’s only for crazy people”, we often believe. “It’s not that bad”, we insist, “There’s nothing wrong with me, I just need to get over it.” We wonder, “What would my parents say if they found out?” 

Sure, your life isn’t falling apart. Everything seems harder and you know you’re not happy, but you’re still holding down your job. You have friends and family so everything is okay…right? 

Therapy, coaching, or other forms of mental health care are not a last resort. If you have the means, it can give you a safe space to figure out why things feel so hard lately. Providers can also help you develop skills to make managing your life a little easier for long-term wellbeing. With a culturally-responsive clinician (like one that you would be matched to at Anise), therapy can also help you better understand how your culture impacts your beliefs, behaviors, and patterns. Coaching helps you translate what you’re learning about yourself into realistic and tangible actions to make positive lasting changes.

Don’t wait until it feels like things are on fire to reach out. Here are some under-recognized signs that it might be time to talk to a provider:

  • You feel too tired to do the things you used to enjoy.

  • You have aches or pains that can’t be explained by injury or other health conditions.

  • Even when you have free time, you can’t fully relax.

  • Your thoughts keep racing at night so that you have a hard time sleeping.

  • Having to make a decision, even like where to eat for dinner, fills you with dread.

  • You feel numb.

  • Conversely, even the small things bother you a lot.

  • Despite your best efforts to “get over it”, you keep obsessing over a certain problem or memory.

  • The thought of responding to messages, even from loved ones, feels exhausting.

  • You find yourself escaping into TV shows or your social media.

  • You feel really emotional but you don’t want to burden your friends.

  • Even if you tried to talk to someone, you wouldn’t be able to find the words to express your feelings.

  • You feel jumpier than usual.

  • You find yourself fantasizing in your head about running away to start your life over.

  • You’re having more arguments with people you care about.

  • You’re feeling more disconnected from others. 

  • You react poorly when people question you or try to give you feedback, even if they have good intentions.

  • Navigating social situations feels hard.

  • You have trouble focusing, whether you’re at work, with friends, or trying to do your hobbies.

  • Your response to stress is to apply more pressure to yourself so that you get it together.

  • You feel stuck in the same patterns and can’t get yourself to change. 

  • Even if nothing new has happened or there’s no big change, you get the feeling that it would be helpful to have somebody to help you process your day-to-day or to keep you accountable.

Ultimately, there is no minimum bar that you need to meet in order for therapy or coaching to be helpful. What if asking for help didn’t mean that we were broken, but just human? What if we didn’t wait until a crisis to take action, but instead viewed mental health services as preventative care? Even if you could survive without it, what if therapy and coaching could make your life just a little easier? If you would want that for your best friend, why not for yourself too?

Anise Health is the first culturally-responsive digital mental health platform offering therapy, coaching, and digital self-service tools that are tailored for the unique needs of communities of color. Anise interventions move away from diagnosis-driven, Eurocentric models and towards incorporating culture and intersectionality into evidence-based treatments, which research shows to be 5x more effective.

Anise is available in California and we are currently accepting Asian-identifying adults (ages 18+) and partners/family members as new clients (more launches coming soon). If you’re ready to see how Anise can support you, fill out the brief Client Intake Form. You’ll be matched to culturally-responsive clinicians within 2 business days, and you will get a free 15 minute trial consultation to ask questions and see if it would be a good fit. Take action today to start taking care of you!

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Nonduality & Dialectics

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Our brains are truly amazing. They filter and process an unending stream of sensory input, categorizing things and making snap judgments in the indefinite pursuit of keeping us safe. This is a necessary attribute that helps us get through our days without turning into an overstimulated mess.

However, when we get stressed out, our brains double down on this trait in an effort to protect us. What could be scarier than the unknown? When faced with scary things, it is human nature to attempt to regain control in an effort to keep ourselves safe. We try to make sense of and fix things as quickly as possible so we can feel safe again. In caveman days, this ability to think quickly helped us react to danger and get out of harm’s way.

Danger is no longer as simple as a bear jumping out at us, but our brains still try to use the same strategy. Human society has evolved at a rate far faster than our biological evolution, and what used to work for us can instead create more distress. If you recall how your brain reacts to stress, you’ll also know that despite the urgency we feel to take action, we’re not in the best mental state to think clearly and find a real solution. Sometimes, we get stuck in black-or-white/all-or-nothing thinking, which creates immense pressure on ourselves to pick a side.

This is where nonduality comes in. In Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), “dialectics” refers to the idea that two opposing ideas can be true at the same time. Originally a debate term, it forms the basis of DBT in helping people better hold all the complexities and nuances of their inner and outer lives. Often clients come to me beating themselves up for having conflicting feelings about one topic. Then they end up arguing with themselves or trying to force themselves to feel all one way, instead of being able to acknowledge and validate all parts of themselves. Dialectics gives us permission and freedom to accept things as they truly are, which is to say, complicated!

The biggest shift that helps with being more dialectical is moving away from “either/or/but” towards “both/and”. Oftentimes when we use the word “but”, it seems to cancel out the first half of the sentence. “I am excited BUT I feel scared” has a markedly different tone than “I am excited about this change AND I feel scared”.

In conflicts, dialectics can also support communication in being more collaborative and less combative. Both people’s perspectives can be subjectively true and perfectly valid. When we’re in an argument, hearing the other person say “I see what you’re saying BUT here are all the reasons you are wrong” usually doesn’t make us feel much better.

Can you relate to feeling stuck in black-or-white thinking? Can dialectics help you better navigate the murky gray areas in your life? Here are some examples of dialectics that have helped my clients feel more at peace:

  • My mom hurt me deeply AND I still want a relationship with her.

  • I feel pressured to do more at work AND I can still set boundaries.

  • I dread doing this task AND I will get through it anyway.

  • I care for this person AND it’s not healthy for them to be a part of my life.

  • I’m trying to figure things out AND I’m not quite sure yet.

How can you shift your thinking to be more dialectical? Try incorporating more “both/and” statements in your life, and see how it works for you.

What Happens In Your Brain When You Are Upset

Even if science isn’t your strong suit, I’ve found it helpful for my clients to understand some basic neuroscience as it relates to mental health. It helps us remember that when we get emotional, there’s nothing broken about your brain - it is literally reacting in the way that it was designed to.

 

Source: https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/conditions-and-diseases/anatomy-of-the-brain

Description: A drawn image of a side-view cross section of the brain, indicating the brain stem in the yellow portion at the bottom of the image, the amygdala in a darker yellow above the brain stem, the pituitary glad to the left of the amygdala, the prefrontal cortex in pink further to the left behind the forehead, the hypothalamus in green near the amygdala, the cerebellum in a lighter purple to the right of the image at the base of the skull, and the hippocampus also in darker yellow next to the amygdala.

 

The 2 parts of our brain that we’ll be talking about today are the amygdala and the prefrontal cortex. The amygdala is often called our “emotion brain” or our “lizard brain”. All animals have either an amygdala or another similar brain area that helps them learn from and activate emotional responses. Our amygdalas function as a watchtower that is constantly scanning our surroundings for a perceived source of threat. Now, I say “perceived” because unfortunately, our brains often mistake things for threats that are not actually threats.

The prefrontal cortex is also referred to as our “human brain”, “thinking brain”, or your “logical brain”. It involves emotional regulation, impulse control, delayed gratification, long-term planning, and a lot of other things that only humans do extensively on a regular basis. Long-term memory involves your prefrontal cortex, as does language and empathy.

Once a threat has been perceived, your amygdala starts ringing the alarm bells and your physical stress response kicks in. Also known as your “fight-or-flight response”, your sympathetic nervous system turns on and creates a lot of physical changes for the purpose of ensuring your survival. These changes include rapid and more shallow breathing, increased heart rate, and adrenaline & cortisol being released into your body.

When this stress response activates, your prefrontal cortex essentially goes offline. This is why it is so difficult to think clearly when you are feeling very emotional. People often talk about feeling like they can’t get their words out and being unable to control their actions. Often we can say or do things that we regret later. Dr. Siegel calls this “flipping your lid” in his Hand Model of the Brain.

When your stress response kicks in, your brain is doing exactly what it is built to do in order to try to keep you safe. However, if you have anxiety or have experienced trauma, your amygdala is overly sensitive, like a kitchen smoke alarm that goes off every time you try to cook bacon. Long term, it is important to have somatic practices to help our bodies re-learn that it is safe (assuming that is true). It is hard repetitive work to “rewire” our brains and our automatic responses. In the meantime, the best thing we can do when our lids are flipped is to step back and take a break. Set the problem side, take a couple of deep breaths, give yourself time to calm down. Ultimately you’ll be better off with your thinking brain back online instead of trying to force the issue.

Learning a New Language

So you’re tired of feeling unhappy and not knowing why. Maybe you’ve been working through some internal stigma around therapy and as the world has started to talk more openly about mental health, you’re feeling ready to try it out. “Something has got to change,” you might think to yourself.

I get a lot of therapy newcomers in my private practice. Especially for Asian-Americans and children of immigrants, there is a long tradition of aversion to therapy. “That’s only for crazy people,” we’ve been told over and over, or maybe “It’s not that bad”. “Just deal with it” is another common message. Explicitly and implicitly, we’re taught to not talk about feelings at all. 

Many older generations didn’t have the luxury of worrying about mental health. A lot of them were too busy just trying to survive instead. If they could feed their kids, clothe them, and keep a roof over their heads, they were doing a good enough job. The field of psychology and mental health the way we talk about it today is a relatively modern development.

However, when we haven’t had role models to pave the way before us, we can often feel confused and lost about what’s going on inside of us. Many clients feel overwhelmed by their emotions, saying things like “I don’t know why I can’t just stop” and “I don’t know why I reacted that way.”

If you are beginning your self-growth journey, I would like to assure you that our emotions do make sense, but they are just in a different language. There is a whole system that you haven’t learned yet that comes with explanations for how things happen and why. Oftentimes our parents didn’t speak this language either, so we didn’t have anybody to teach us. 

I hope to flesh out this system for my readers so that you can start to better understand yourself and your experience. Without first understanding what is going on, attempts to change may be misguided or unsustainable. The more familiarity and practice you have with this language, the more it will make sense.

As a first step, I’m going to start by defining some therapy jargon you might have come across before. This is how I understand these words, and how I’ll be using them moving forward:

  • Modality: The type of therapy that a clinician practices. Acronyms are common, such as Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) and Internal Family Systems (IFS), two of my main influences. Modality can also indicate who they see, like individual therapy instead of seeing families, couples, or groups. 

  • Making space: To take undistracted time to focus on your feelings instead of avoiding, denying, or downplaying them. 

  • Holding space for: To set aside your own feelings/needs temporarily to help another person make space for their own feelings. Think about people in your life who are good listeners - I’m guessing they don’t insert too many of their own opinions, change the subject to themselves, or try to problem-solve your issues. 

  • To be seen: The experience of being deeply understood and accepted.

  • Processing: The act of exploring, experiencing, identifying, and understanding your emotions. This can happen internally in your thoughts, through talking, journaling, and also in our bodies. This often happens after you’re able to make space for whatever is going on.

  • Doing your work: Working on yourself. “I am working” has connotations around money, so it’s meant more in the sense of “I am working on ______”. Also, we call it work because it IS work! In the same way you might feel fatigued and sore after a physical workout, working on yourself can also cause emotional and mental fatigue. 

  • Self-regulation: In the therapy context, this refers to the process by which we calm down. We have tons of regulating processes, such as sweating when we get hot and sleeping when we get tired. When we are stressed out, there are a lot of biological mechanisms that kick in and cause physical changes as well (more on this in a later post). Our minds and bodies are connected, so being able to regulate yourself emotionally means being able to manage your emotions, often through physical techniques. When a person is well regulated, usually they can think clearly, speak calmly, and not get overtaken by their emotions. The opposite is when we are disregulated. 

  • Somatic: Having to do with your body and physical experiences. 

  • Cognitive: Having to do with your mind and thoughts. 

Phew that was a lot. As you learn, give yourself some grace. You wouldn’t expect to become fluent in Spanish overnight, and the same is true for learning to understand your feelings. Is there another term you’ve been wondering about that I didn’t cover? Leave it in the comments below.

Part 4: Navigating Initial Consultations

Most therapists offer some sort of free initial consultation as part of their intake process. For myself, this is a 20-30 minute phone call in which I ask potential clients more about what they’re looking for, tell them about how I work, and overall see if we would be a good fit.

Here are some things to reflect on and that you can ask the therapist:

  • What is their style? Do they offer specific and tangible feedback or do they prefer to remain neutral? Do they have a structured approach or are sessions open-ended? Are they directive or do they offer more of a listening space?

  • What modalities do they draw from? Specific certification isn’t that important, but there is a vast difference between traditional styles (psychodynamic, Freudian, etc.), cognitive styles (CBT, changing thoughts, etc.), somatic styles (feeling into your body, tapping, EFT, etc.), and so on. Other styles are more skills-based and behavior-oriented, like DBT.

  • What does a session with them look like?

  • Do you want homework/exercises to do between sessions?

  • Do they have experience working with people like you, or who are facing similar challenges?

  • How frequently would you like to have therapy? Weekly is standard, although due to a variety of factors I have many clients who I see every other week.

  • What is their full fee? Do they offer any sliding scale spots? It never hurts to ask.

  • If your insurance reimburses you for out-of-network care, can this therapist offer you a super-bill? This is an itemized receipt that you would submit to your insurance for reimbursement.

Most of all, just feel them out during the call. Is this somebody that you can imagine trusting and opening up to? A client once said they chose me because they thought I looked like somebody they could cry in front of, which I took as a compliment. Research shows that the strength of your relationship with your therapist is the most important factor in whether or not therapy will work.

If you’re not sure, let them know you’d like some time to think about it. Even if you decide to schedule a first appointment with them, you’re never locked in. Sometimes after a handful of sessions the connection you’d hoped for doesn’t materialize, and that’s okay too. Especially if you haven’t had therapy before, you’re simply learning more about yourself and what kind of support you need.

That’s all for now on this topic. I hope this series was helpful for you, and best of luck in your search.

Check out the other posts in this series, “How Do You Find a Therapist?”

Part 3: Starting the Process

So you’ve read the first post in this series and you have a general understanding of the lay of the land. You feel ready to take some action and start your search but don’t know where to start.

First, if you are lucky enough to have insurance, check with them first. In-network providers are the cheapest route, if it’s available to you. The trade off of going in-network means that you usually have less options for who you want to work with. Sometimes, workplaces also offer mental health benefits through a separate provider like Lyra. If you have a PPO plan, it’s possible that they will reimburse you part of your fee even if you find an out-of-network provider.

If you have the means to pay out of pocket, you can cast a much broader net. Check out the Therapist Directories. If you have trusted friends, ask who their therapists are and if they have any openings. It’s important to know that in the US, psychotherapy licensing is governed by state, so whatever therapist you find needs to be licensed in your particular state. Here are some questions to reflect on to narrow your search down:

  • Do you want to see them in person or via telehealth (phone/video)?

  • Do you feel more comfortable with a therapist of a certain gender?

  • Would you prefer a therapist around the same age range who feels like a peer, or somebody older? How would you feel if they were noticeably younger than you?

  • Do you care if they are licensed? Licensed clinicians have passed the licensing exam and usually operate independently. Associates/Interns are not licensed yet and work under a supervisor. While they have less experience they also usually charge a lower rate.

  • Does it matter to you if your therapist has any shared identities with you? Race/ethnicity, life experience, LGBTQIA+, etc. See my post about cultural sensitivity.

  • What specific issues are you hoping to address in therapy? Does this therapist specialize in that?

Hopefully this will give you some ideas about what you’re looking for. You can also google “therapist + issue + location” and see what pops up. Look at their photos, read their websites and their bios, and just see who resonates with you. There’s no exact formula to figuring out if you two will get along so don’t feel the pressure to figure it out right away. Most therapists offer a consultation call of some sort where you can feel each other out and see if it would be a good fit.

Then, start contacting the therapists on your list. Unfortunately, it is common to not get a response at all. Many clinicians don’t respond if their caseload is full, or they have a hard time keeping on top of their communications. It’s definitely a frustrating part of the process. For those who do respond, set up a consultation. Shopping around is normal, and a consultation doesn’t mean you’ve committed to this person. Next time I’ll talk more about how to make the most of these initial consultations.

Check out the other posts in this series, “How Do You Find a Therapist?”

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Part 2: Therapist Directories

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This post is part of my series on finding a therapist. This is a running list of resources to find an individual therapist.


General Directories:

Culturally Specific Directories:

California/Bay Area Specific:


Have any other ideas? Is some thing I listed no longer active? Let me know in the comments below.

Check out the other parts of this series, “How Do You Find a Therapist?”

Part 1: How Do You Find A Therapist?

This is a question I get asked all the time by family, friends, and even people I’ve just met. The American healthcare system is sadly dysfunctional and access to quality mental health services is challenging. For this series of posts, I’m going to give the same rundown that I give to my friends in hopes that it will make your process easier as well. Please note that my knowledge is limited to California, so your experience may vary.

First things first, finding a good therapist is HARD. Money, time, cultural fit, and availability all get in the way. Demand is high right now and most of my colleagues are burnt out to some degree or another. In my own practice, I’m noticing that clients are no longer leaving my caseload, whereas in years past there was a fairly constant turnover rate. Acknowledging that you need more support is an amazing first step, and it’s normal to feel demoralized when you really start looking. So cut yourself a bit of slack if you feel tempted to give up - it’s rough out there.

Secondly, a clarification of the different types of providers out there:

  • Psychiatrists (M.D.) have gone through medical school training (4 years) and a psychiatric residency (4 years) afterwards and maybe some additional fellowships. They are allowed to prescribe medication and most of them focus on medication management (prescribing, monitoring, etc.). Some psychiatrists also offer individual therapy, but it’s not common.

  • Psychologists (Ph.D or Psy.D) have a doctorate degree, which is usually a 3-7 year training program. They are trained to facilitate psychological assessments, such as if you wanted to find out if you have ADHD. They also have more research and clinical experience as well. Generally psychologists charge more for therapy because of their extended training.

  • Psychotherapists are Master’s level clinicians, meaning that they’ve gone through a 2 year graduate school program. There are a couple of different licenses that you might see out there, but in my experience as long there is enough variation between different graduate schools that their type of license doesn’t make much of a difference. I would say their clinical work experience is more important to take note of, mainly if they have experience working with clients like you.

    • Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist (LMFT)

    • Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW)

    • Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor (LPCC)

Check out the other posts in this series, “How Do You Find a Therapist?”

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What Does Culturally-Sensitive Mean Anyway?

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Nowadays, “culturally-sensitive” care is a big buzzword in the mental health field. You might also hear the terms “cultural humility”, “culturally-responsive”, or “culturally competent” (although this one is less popular - how does one become “competent” in a culture?). But what does this all mean, and why does it matter?

Culture plays a huge role in shaping how we view ourselves and the world around us. Culture includes the arts, yes, and it also includes the values, beliefs, expectations, behavior norms, laws, institutions, and so much more that come with belonging to a particular group. These groups are formed based off of location, citizenship, race, ethnicity, gender, sexual orientation, religion, interests, literally anything you can think of. Culture is passed onto us through our experiences of being a part of that group. Sometimes it is explicitly stated (like No Smoking signs) but a lot of it is indirectly taught, based on how those around us behave or react to us.

We learn a lot of “rules” throughout the course of our lives as we soak in the culture of different groups. This teaches us what is “right” or “wrong” or “normal”. However, when you exist in communities where the dominant culture is not aligned with some part of your identity, it can be easy to think that the ways in which you are different make you “wrong” or “bad”. If you struggle to fit in, you may think that you are the problem. Even if you are a part of the dominant culture, nobody can get it “right” all the time.

Culturally-sensitive care recognizes that being different from the people around you doesn’t make your experiences any less valid. Culturally-sensitive care acknowledges that there is a wide breath of rich cultural heritages that all offer something unique and meaningful, and that often the problems come from the clashing of cultures instead of there being something inherently wrong with you. Culturally-sensitive care invites in all the different aspects of yourself and the cultures you belong to, knowing that your personal experience lives at the intersection of these groups.

So whether it’s finding a therapist who pronounces your name right, to finding a therapist who shares a similar background, getting culturally-sensitive care can make a difference. Feeling seen and understood by your therapist is the number 1 factor that indicates the effectiveness of therapy. Don’t you want to feel accepted for who you are, and all parts of yourself?

Finding Your Way Back to YOU

Welcome to my blog.

Life is hard for a lot of people right now, and unfortunately in the US mental health services can be very difficult to access. Especially if you hold any marginalized identities (which has been true for most of the folks I work with), it can be even more challenging to find accessible AND effective care.

In my experience across different settings, age groups, cultures, and formats, I have seen some major common themes bubbling up. As people bravely open up and share their stories of struggle, I often hear that underneath the surface, what is really challenging is that they don’t have a strong sense of themselves. They find it hard to understand what they’re feeling and why, what they really want, why they react a certain way, and why it is just SO HARD to change. Sometimes they have experienced traumas, or they were raised to put others before themselves. Many people are drowning in the flood of messages from the world around us about all the things that we SHOULD be doing, buying, and achieving. When it is inevitably impossible to meet these unrealistic standards, it is so easy to fall into the trap of believing that we are the problem.

I realized that almost all of my work falls under this umbrella. Better understanding yourself, your experiences, your habits, your different parts - there are so many different aspects to this. Then, being able to maintain your sense of self in the face of outside influences is a whole new ballgame. How do I be true to myself in my relationships? At work? How do I set healthy boundaries? How do I reassure myself that I, just as I am, am already enough?

I do need to add the disclaimer that this blog is not a substitute for professional therapy. Reading my blog does not constitute a direct therapeutic relationship between you and I, and mostly what I post will be educational and exploratory. I hope this blog will encourage you to reflect on your own and empower you to make positive changes in your life. I strongly believe that all people deserve the knowledge and opportunity to improve their mental health and well-being, whether they can access professional psychotherapy or not. I hope that my offerings will help you on your journey to find your way back to YOU.