Our brains are truly amazing. They filter and process an unending stream of sensory input, categorizing things and making snap judgments in the indefinite pursuit of keeping us safe. This is a necessary attribute that helps us get through our days without turning into an overstimulated mess.
However, when we get stressed out, our brains double down on this trait in an effort to protect us. What could be scarier than the unknown? When faced with scary things, it is human nature to attempt to regain control in an effort to keep ourselves safe. We try to make sense of and fix things as quickly as possible so we can feel safe again. In caveman days, this ability to think quickly helped us react to danger and get out of harm’s way.
Danger is no longer as simple as a bear jumping out at us, but our brains still try to use the same strategy. Human society has evolved at a rate far faster than our biological evolution, and what used to work for us can instead create more distress. If you recall how your brain reacts to stress, you’ll also know that despite the urgency we feel to take action, we’re not in the best mental state to think clearly and find a real solution. Sometimes, we get stuck in black-or-white/all-or-nothing thinking, which creates immense pressure on ourselves to pick a side.
This is where nonduality comes in. In Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), “dialectics” refers to the idea that two opposing ideas can be true at the same time. Originally a debate term, it forms the basis of DBT in helping people better hold all the complexities and nuances of their inner and outer lives. Often clients come to me beating themselves up for having conflicting feelings about one topic. Then they end up arguing with themselves or trying to force themselves to feel all one way, instead of being able to acknowledge and validate all parts of themselves. Dialectics gives us permission and freedom to accept things as they truly are, which is to say, complicated!
The biggest shift that helps with being more dialectical is moving away from “either/or/but” towards “both/and”. Oftentimes when we use the word “but”, it seems to cancel out the first half of the sentence. “I am excited BUT I feel scared” has a markedly different tone than “I am excited about this change AND I feel scared”.
In conflicts, dialectics can also support communication in being more collaborative and less combative. Both people’s perspectives can be subjectively true and perfectly valid. When we’re in an argument, hearing the other person say “I see what you’re saying BUT here are all the reasons you are wrong” usually doesn’t make us feel much better.
Can you relate to feeling stuck in black-or-white thinking? Can dialectics help you better navigate the murky gray areas in your life? Here are some examples of dialectics that have helped my clients feel more at peace:
My mom hurt me deeply AND I still want a relationship with her.
I feel pressured to do more at work AND I can still set boundaries.
I dread doing this task AND I will get through it anyway.
I care for this person AND it’s not healthy for them to be a part of my life.
I’m trying to figure things out AND I’m not quite sure yet.
How can you shift your thinking to be more dialectical? Try incorporating more “both/and” statements in your life, and see how it works for you.